Hi! My name is Heather Rose, and I’m bisexual. If you’ve known me prior to my coming out, this might come as a bit of a shock! You might have so many questions! Some of you might be really uncomfortable! (I know I am). But that’s okay; I’ve found it’s usually best to just bring everything ‘out in the light’ as it were, so I decided to compile this handy-dandy list of FAQs for you. I imagine these Q’s might cross your mind, especially if you’re someone who has known me a long time. I completely understand the confusion. Let’s clarify a few things together!
1. Wait a minute, aren’t you married? How can you be bi if you’re married to a man?? *GASP* Does this mean you’re getting divorced?!
Absolutely not! I am still deeply in love and deeply committed to my beloved husband. He is the most wonderful partner I could ever dream up! Unfortunately, there is a common misconception that ‘bisexual’ means ‘hypersexual,’ aka, having lots of sex with multiple partners — but that simply isn’t accurate. Personally, I am a big fan of monogamy, as is my husband, and we are both happily committed to our vows (ie, our still-monogamous relationship). Being openly bisexual does not change that in any way.
2. So you’re not going to start having threesomes or something?? Or an open marriage??
Okay, first of all, please never, ever ask a bisexual person that. I included it on the list because hey, no one’s perfect, and people wonder this. But just a friendly reminder that if you’re actually talking to a bisexual person (or ANY person, really!) asking for details about their sex lives is considered rude and creepy. Imagine if someone asked you that! It’s not something that people should feel pressure to share, regardless of the answer. I’m choosing to share as a personal choice, because I know it will put some of my more conservative family members’ minds at ease (and hopefully prevent any rude conversations): No, we are not going to do any of that. Again, in our personal relationship, my husband and I are big fans of monogamy — and each other! Me coming out as bisexual does not change that.
In fact, the bottom line is this: Me coming out as bisexual does not change my relationship in any way. I am still married, happily so, and remain monogamous with my husband. We are committed to our vows and to each other.
The only thing it changes is, now I don’t have to secretly pretend to be straight!
3. Oookay, so then why bother coming out at all? What’s the big deal? Are you just trying to get attention?
While it’s true that most queer people get all kinds of positive attention and adoration when they come out and NEVER have any negative responses (right? Isn’t that how it works??) — that actually wasn’t my main motivation! Contrary to what some folks may think, the process of coming out is not some kind of announcement about which people you want to screw. Sexuality is a part of one’s identity, and keeping that piece hidden has been a frustrating burden for me. I just want to be open about who I am with the people I love. It’s freeing!
Also, as a writer and Christian who is LGBT-affirming,* it’s relevant to my work to share this part of me. I want to put my money where my mouth is: contrary to how I and many Christians were raised, I believe it is wholly possible to be a passionate Christian and not be straight. I have been writing and saying as much for a few years now, though I have only been aware of my own bisexuality for a small portion of that. But now that I am fully aware and have come to a better understanding of it, I can’t in good conscience preach that message while hiding this part of my identity.
For anyone out there who is struggling with this, who has been taught that you have to choose between your faith and your identity, I want you to know: You don’t have to pick. Christ loves you exactly as you are. You were created this way by our God, who adores you, and it is a good, beautiful thing to live wholly into who you were made to be. That’s what I’m trying to do, and if it can offer encouragement to even one person out there who has been told otherwise, then it’s well worth it to me to be open and public about this.
4. But how can you be Christian and queer?!! The Bible is pretty clear about that! You must have watered down your faith in some way.
In fact, it is quite possible to be both Christian and queer! Just peruse the #FaithfullyLGBT tag on Twitter and you’ll see a whole cadre of devoted, queer Christians who are doing amazing work for the Lord.
What’s more, as a Christian, my ‘affirming’ beliefs* do not spring from a watered-down faith, but from a deeper one. I did not back away from the Scriptures in order to reach this conclusion — I drew closer to them. This belief came from a very intense, devoted study of the Bible over many years, which led me to discover that what I have been taught about homosexuality by my Evangelical upbringing has been categorically incorrect. Did you know that the word ‘homosexuality’ isn’t even in the Bible? Did you know that ancient Judaism recognized six different genders? For every verse used by modern day evangelicals to condemn homosexuality, there is a clear and reasonable explanation that shows us that the Bible is in fact much more affirming than not. The details of this are more expansive than we have room for here, but I encourage you to do your own research if you’re unsure. A good place to start is the book “Walking a Bridgeless Canyon,” which details a history of church/LGBT relations.
5. You’re 33. That’s kind of old to come out. Have you known your whole life?
(^^ me trying to understand tik tok)
Yes, I am old. Well, internet-old. Aaaand relatively old for this kind of revelation. For me, the fact that I’m bisexual has been a somewhat new discovery — I only realized it within the last year or two. I know many LGBT folks are keenly aware of their identity from a very young age, but that wasn’t quite the case for me. Of course, hindsight is 20/20, and now that I’m aware I can look back throughout my life (even into my childhood) and see some pretty clear indicators. But at the time, I just didn’t realize what those things were indicating! I believe this is in part because I grew up in a very, very conservative evangelical church, which was not only anti-LGBT, but completely enmeshed in “purity culture.” This meant that in a misguided attempt to be ‘pure,’ I obsessively suppressed sexual urges of any kind from a very young age.
The ways in which that has brutally affected me throughout my life is a story for another time, but suffice it to say that as a child, I barely acknowledged or allowed even the socially acceptable attraction to boys — so considering girls or other genders was unfathomable to me, and suppressed even more deeply. Basically, any feelings towards any other genders were simply unrecognizable to my young mind.
In the last several years, however, I’ve shifted my theological beliefs around LGBT issues as stated above. I’ve realized the teachings on this topic that I grew up with were wrong and harmful, and that I believe God created LBGT+ persons to be exactly as they are — and I bless that as a Christian (see #4). Opening my mind to this understanding has, I think, helped me to realize my own sexuality.
6. I know you personally and I am not a man! Does this mean you have a crush on me?? Weird!!
Real talk, this is one of my biggest fears about coming out. It might be an irrational one because my friends are awesome, but I’m really nervous that some of those friends might feel uncomfortable around me now. Please don’t! The fact that your gender is included in the pool of genders I am sometimes attracted to should not affect our friendship in any way. I mean, sure — you are all gorgeous, fantastic people, but I’m still into my husband and not in any way interested in pursuing anyone else. I hope you have friends of the gender(s) you’re attracted to; if so, you get it! If not, please trust me that sexual attraction is not suddenly a part of our relationship.
Being bisexual does not mean I’m attracted to everyone I come across. Are you attracted to every single man or woman you see? Probably not, right? Neither am I. So please, please let’s keep being friends and not make it weird.
7. Why are you identifying as ‘bisexual’ instead of ‘pansexual’? Does this mean you hate trans people?
Definitely not — I am a proud supporter of trans people! A bisexual person can certainly be affirming of all genders, trans included. From what I understand, being ‘pansexual’ means you can be attracted to anyone, regardless of gender, whereas being ‘bisexual’ means you are attracted to your own, and other, genders — and that gender presentation plays a part in that attraction. Being bisexual does not mean being attracted to just two genders, or that you believe gender is exclusively binary.
For me personally, I connect more with the ‘bisexual’ definition, so that’s how I’ve chosen to identify. That might also be in part because I am An Old Person now, and I find myself more familiar and comfortable with the older term. Ultimately, I think both labels are valid, I believe gender is a beautiful spectrum, and I certainly do not mean to use the label ‘bisexual’ to be in any way exclusive of any genders.
8. Are you sure you’re bi? Come on, women are beautiful! Being attracted to women once in a while doesn’t make you bi. Are you sure you’re not just straight? A straight who thinks ladies are attractive?
Listen, as far as I’m concerned, being bisexual is simple: attraction to your own and other genders. I experience that, therefore I identify as bi. If your experience is similar, but you don’t resonate with the label, that’s okay, too! It doesn’t have to mean that for you. How you choose to identify is a deeply personal choice. Let’s just make a deal: I won’t pressure you to identify as bi if you don’t pressure me to identify as straight. Kay?
9. Everyone knows bisexuality “just a layover on the way to gaytown”! Or a cover up. Or something. Are you sure you’re not just, like, totally gay?
I think dudes are hot. So, no. I am not a lesbian. No shade; lesbians are awesome, but I am not one of them. Bisexuality is a very real identity, as much as pop culture tries to deny it (the quote above is from Sex and the City, as an example). It’s called ‘bi erasure’ and it’s pretty uncool. Please don’t do that.
Listen, you don’t have to understand it, but it really is this simple: I am attracted to women. I am attracted to men. I am attracted to non-binary, trans, and other genders. I’m not attracted to every person, just like you aren’t attracted to every person who happens to be your gender-attraction pool. But I am attracted to every gender. Or, said another way, my attraction isn’t limited by gender.
And therefore I identify as bisexual.
(Heh. Bye. Bi. Get it?)
So there you have it: your friend Heather Rose is bisexual. Hopefully these FAQs help you process through some of the newness of that, or clarify any confusion around the issue. To my friends and family, please know that I am still just me. I love you, and I hope you can accept this part of who I am. If you have any other questions, please, by all means, talk to me! Send me a message or (if you are someone who knows me personally) give me a phone call. I am happy to chat about this with anyone who is wondering. I know for many of us there can be a fear of causing offense around these issues — but I want you to know that I won’t be offended in the slightest if you still have questions. I am happy to talk you through it.
*“affirming” is typically used to denote a theological Christian belief that supports and ‘affirms’ LGBTQIA+ identities